Looking to validate oneself through others. A common need we as humans experience. Feels good to hear the “Atta boy”,”Good job”, “You are beautiful or handsome.”, doesn’t it?
So what is driving this need? Does the soul need validation?
It knows who we are, always has. Each individual is unique, with their own life experience and lessons to be learned. These experiences often times color the way that we view the world. To step outside of oneself to receive validation is setting us up for failure from the get go. Is it the soul that needs validation, or the ego that needs stroked?
We may receive validation everyday, in the home and workplace. Anytime we interact with people, there is the opportunity for external validation. Yet for every 100 things that you may have done right, there will always be at least one person who perceives it as wrong. We know when we have done a good job, we don’t need to have another tell us that. We also know when we are less than motivated and have not given something our full attention or best effort.
Going outside of oneself for answers, and validation can be a dangerous move. Everyone has their own opinion, and we all know what they say about opinion…
Everyone has one. And for every one person that agrees with you, likes you, feels that you are the cat’s meow, there is at least another who would beg to differ.
And if one is an old soul, they may find that they liked or disliked, experience extremes of reaction, regardless of any action on their part.
If someone else tells us something that resonates with us, we agree, we react positively to it. If told something that offends or that doesn’t resonate with us, we will disagree and reject it .So ultimately we are answering our own questions. Why doesn’t this ring true for me? it doesn’t feel right. If told to jump off a bridge, will we do it? Off course not. So why than do we accept another’s opinion or answers as being our own personal truth? If they say it, is it necessarily true?
If told that we are unattractive, for example, does that make it so? Everyone has their own idea of what attractiveness is anyway, so if we base our own self worth upon someone else’s perception, there will be another who disagrees with that observation.And the general consensus of what is considered to be attractive, the in way to look, act or be is constantly changing. One minute we are in style, fit the mold, the next minute we’re not. Sometimes it’s the waif look that’s in, the next time it’s curves. This season this color and type of makeup is in, the next it’s something completely different. But hold on, give it awhile and we will be back in style again.
And who decides the way we should be anyway– Hollywood, the movie and fashion industry? So unless we have a discount at the local plastic surgery clinic, we had best accept who and what we are, our own uniqueness, validate ourselves, as we can never possibly keep up with the ever changing ideas of how we should look, act and feel, so why bother?
I have observed that often times the very thing that one dislikes about themselves, is the exact thing that another finds to be appealing about them.The funny laugh, the crooked smile, the ability to pinch more than an inch in one area or another, etc. etc. Ever ask someone to name one thing about themselves that they really dislike, and you find that you never really even noticed that about them? They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. well the one that be holding us may overlook what we deem to be a flaw or beg to differ with us. They see the real person, the things we do, the person that we are, the uniqueness that makes one special. Can’t all be 36-24-36, or have six pack abs, and then again, that ideal will change soon too. Give it time.
I have heard people speak of getting plastic surgery done, and their partner goes along with it because it’s what they want to do and if it will make them feel better about themselves than thats fine, but that they are happy with them as they already are. And people having these procedures done, thinking that now their lives are going to be dramatically different somehow, only to find out that isn’t the case. The person inside is the same. The key here is to work on the inside, not the outside. Getting in touch with our inner self, finding out and believing in who we really are. In the grand scheme of things, what does any of this external validation matter, that we end up with a nice epitaph?
Often times we look to others for the answers as we do not want to take responsibility for the outcome if the choices that we make are less than optimal.
Easier to mentally put the blame on someone else than to look in the mirror and see one’s own reflection staring back at us. The sooner we learn to “get off of ourselves” the better off we will be. There are enough challenges as we progress in life, enough lessons that may make us feel less than who we really are, don’t think that we need to jump on the bandwagon.